by Tilar Mazzeo – 

Back in October, Canadian physicians were provided with new national guidelines for talking with patients about alcohol. Should you be fortunate enough to have a GP, you can expect “the talk.” So that’s something to look forward to in 2024.

I got “the talk” in November, and, if you’re looking for a boot in the pants, allow me to summarize for you: “Booze is poison.” All of this poses, of course, something of a dilemma for your intrepid wine, beer and spirits columnist.

I considered writing in time for the holidays a column on non-alcoholic beer alternatives, but, after I tasted a half-dozen non-alcoholic “beers,” I gave up. Honestly, they aren’t very good. I paid everywhere from 50 cents a can to $5 a bottle, and the best of them in my view is Budweiser Zero, which at least has the merit of managing to capture exactly the same degree of tastelessness as the real thing. And that’s the good news I’ve got for you on the beer front. Thrifty’s Compliments brand isn’t terrible, and it at least has the virtue of being inexpensive. Some of the craft and premium brands aren’t bad, but I refuse to pay $5 a can for boiled beer (the essence of the most common de-alcoholization process) on principle. The fundamental problem is that boiling your beer does about as much for it as boiling your wine. I tried a few bottles of that too, hoping to have something for you, and non-alcoholic wine is just a disaster.

I had hopes for holiday cocktails made with spirit-free botanicals. I dropped $45 – each – on a couple of bottles of “botanical distillates” and mixed up about a half-dozen “mocktails,” and, look, I don’t want to say bad things about small producers trying hard to do a good thing. So let’s just put it this way: eh. Some of them were perfectly tasty concoctions, don’t get me wrong. But none of them were convincing substitutes, and, if I’m not going to be convinced, at that price point why not just drink fizzy water with a splash of bitters and throw in a paper umbrella if I’m feeling fancy?

Right, right. So that’s all a downer. What’s our holiday game plan here people? Here are my three ideas for low- and no-alcohol drinks for the holiday season. Enjoy responsibly.

One: Bring back the Virgin Bloody Mary. Vodka is tasteless, so you won’t miss the flavour, at least. You’ve got the tomato-juice redness. Dress that mocktail up with some spice and green, and you are in the holiday spirit. Wasabi candy canes anyone? Sriracha? Rim the glass with seaweed-based green salt. It’s the current health-conscious trend in California (learn about it at www.trygreensalt.com).

Two: Try a cedar and birch syrup sparkler. Want to know what tastes like drinking a Christmas wreath, in a good way? A splash of birch syrup (www.canadianbirchsyrup.com), some iced cedar tea (try www.teanbannock.ca), and some sparkling water over ice. Get creative with that garnish. It’s not mock anything, just itself.

Three: It’s not alcohol free, but there are some great low-alcohol wine options. German and Austrian Rieslings naturally come in as low as nine to 10%, which is a big step down, glass-for-glass, from the 14.9% fruit bombs you see out there. Just make sure, if you’re shopping Riesling, you look for a Qualitätswein (QbA) or even a Prädikatswein, because there is a big difference between good and bad Riesling. If you’re looking for sparkling, Vinho Verde often comes in as low as 8% alcohol often, and you can also look for a “Pet-Nat.” Due to the production technique, these are lightly sparkling and naturally low-alcohol wines. Sperling Vineyards out of the Okanagan produces one that comes in at 8.3% (www.sperlingvineyards.com), but a number of B.C. wineries release them from time to time in small quantities. If you want to drop your consumption even lower, look, add some soda water and ice. I’m not judging.