Words Connie Dunwoody, Broadmead Care
My cousin messaged me the other day, asking for advice. She is in the process of finding a space for her mom in a long term care home. With her dad in the hospital, and her mom needing 24/7 care, she’s just about at her wits’ end, running back and forth from home to hospital, from mom to dad and back again, until she’s worn thin, rubbed raw with emotional and physical exhaustion.
Most of us don’t know what this is like until we are faced with it, nor do we fully understand the range of emotions that comes with it. It’s not just about navigating the healthcare system, packing up a room or choosing a home. It’s about facing a new chapter, full of unknowns.
And it feels like no one warns us about it ahead of time.
So, what do we need to know?
- Identify the right place for the need. Is your loved one fully capable of looking after themselves, but wants a little less responsibility? That’s independent living. Do they need a little additional help? Assisted living might be the perfect fit. If they need medical or physical assistance, long term care could be the best solution.
- There is no place that is perfect, but there is a best place. We can’t replace what someone has in his or her own home, but there will likely be a place that offers safety, dignity, kindness and compassionate care. Visit homes, ask questions, and picture your loved one living there. Trust your gut. Is the building in need of updating, but the care exceptional? Choose “terrific care” over “building,” or “engaging activities” over “paint colour.”
- Be clear and honest. Share openly with the care team the things your loved one can and cannot do. Don’t sugar coat it or downplay abilities; it’s best to give as much information as possible. My cousin said: “I want them to know what she’s like on her worst day, and her best.”
- Prepare for the relationship shift. When loved ones need help, the first resource is usually spouses or children. Moving from spouse or child to caregiver – and back again – is hard. The love continues, of course, but the relationship shifts. It can be a tough adjustment in both directions, with feelings that might hit suddenly, and deeply.
- Try not to feel guilty. When the move to a home happens, it’s hard to step back and let someone else step in. We might feel a little lost when our role shifts back. Maybe we even feel relieved. Perhaps we then feel guilty about feeling relieved.
Here’s the thing: feeling relief doesn’t mean you love them any less. Love shows up in many forms, including letting someone else care for the person you love. My cousin’s best advice? “When you can be a child, or a spouse, be that. Let others take over the role of caregiver.”
Life can be beautiful in all its stages, and there are gifts in these final years. You get to go back to being a son or daughter, or a husband or wife. You get to sit together, hold hands, talk, and simply be. You get to live in the space where love dwells, no longer at wits’ end, no longer rubbed raw by time and duty. You get to breathe deeply and enjoy each moment.
In the end, this time together is grace, ineffably revealed through small moments of great love.
Connie Dunwoody is Communications Coordinator for Broadmead Care. She cherishes small moments of great love.
