Words Sherrin Griffin, Sidney Seniorcare
Although we can do our very best to prevent disease and age-related degeneration by eating better, moving more, stressing less and loving more as per the advice of Dr. Dean Ornish, the ground-breaking cardiologist who was able to improve and even reverse heart disease with his four-pillar lifestyle intervention Program, there is one thing that we can’t possibly prevent that seems to increase as we age. The loss of our loved ones – parents, siblings and other dear family members and friends is unavoidable.
I have been super conscientious in the last 20 years about making the right lifestyle choices, perhaps with the exception of a few too many glasses of wine, but the agonizing decline and subsequent passing of my Dad literally brought me to my knees, as with many family caregivers. Suddenly, I couldn’t have cared less about my own carefully crafted health regime in the face of what my family was losing.
Even though my rational mind understood that his passing was inevitable, there was nothing I could do to prepare myself for what was to come: denial, guilt, confusion, depression, numbness and even disassociation, in varying degrees and not necessarily in that order. Of course, we try to get our feelings under control and even give ourselves a timeline to “get over it,” but grief has other plans for us.
When I lost my Dad, I felt somewhat guilty to feel almost “normal” after the immediate loss; after all, I knew it was coming, right? But, then six months later, I started to have strange episodes of anxiety, panic attacks and feeling out-of-sorts. Not realizing that this had anything to do with my Dad, I thought I was losing my mind, and it wasn’t until I spoke to a grief therapist that I realized that poignant loss doesn’t have a logical or convenient timeline. It catches us off-guard, sneaks up on us when we least expect and then hits us like a ton of bricks. It doesn’t have to come from the obvious triggers: an old photo, a song, or a spoken reference of the loved one. That cavernous sense of loss may come in the quiet moments of driving home from work or in the solitude just before we fall asleep at night. Loss knows no rules, no regulations and no boundaries. It comes and goes as it pleases. There is no containing it, fighting it or trying to make sense of it.
So, what then can we do? How do we cope?
- Let yourself “feel” your grief. Embrace it and know that it is normal and valid. Don’t beat yourself up for still feeling sad or not being “over it.” Be gentle with yourself.
- Don’t try to manage your grief all alone. Let yourself lean on supportive family and friends who you feel safe to share your feelings with – those who you love and who love you.
- Honour your loved one by doing something special in their memory: light a candle, play their favourite music, create a memory book, etc.
- Try to maintain your daily routine, or if necessary, develop a new one. This will help to ground you and give you some stability.
- Reach out for help if needed, whether that be church, grief counselling or a support group.
- Nourish yourself; do things that are meaningful to you and your life. Know that there will be joy again even after such an immense loss.
Although we cannot stop the passage of time, getting older or losing our loved ones along the way, we can make sure we cherish and celebrate those we love each and every day with a hug, a smile or a thoughtful gesture. Don’t have any regrets that you didn’t spend enough time together, that you didn’t make up after that big fight; don’t wait to tell them you love them. And, remember that love really is eternal – open yourself up to receive it and look for the signs.
