– by Michael Forbes –
For some reason I stopped shaving on Christmas Eve. It was not really a conscious decision, because I was just doing what guys do when they have time away from work. Since then I’ve become curiously attached to something that required little investment and took absolutely no effort to create: a beard! OK, it’s not my first foray into the follicle forest, because I sported one the first time I met Lisa and she seemed OK with it … and she was more OK when I shaved it off. I’m hoping the fact that she now makes “Chewbacca” sleep in a separate bed and wakes him up every morning using a 10-foot pole is purely coincidence. I have to say though that I’ve become unwittingly trendy, because beards are back and they ain’t just for lumberjacks, transients and duck call makin’ rednecks anymore.
Walking around with this new look has caused me to discover something interesting. Guys think it’s pretty awesome but most women aren’t really so sure. I think from the male perspective it’s a testosterone-y thing to do and you’d either like to have one or you just plain admire the courage it takes to grow one. I think us men all have an intuitive understanding as to why facial hair is so amazing: with a beard you can stroke your chin while thinking and look more intelligent, you can store food in it for later and sometimes people compare you to Chuck Norris. With it, I now feel confident enough to deliver a devasting Chuck-like roundhouse kick to at least three dirtbag bikers at once. The adoration that I receive from men is completely lost on most women though. I feel a lot of them have had some bad beard experience. They figure I’m trying to hide something, like another women or maybe a third chin. I talked to one soccer mom who asked me why I would grow such a thing, so I jokingly told her it was to appear more manly. She snapped back that if I wanted to look more manly to a woman then I should unload the freakin’ dishwasher once in a while.
It seems now that half my world likes the beard but the other half not so much. So to settle things once and for all I decided to do what any insecure person who wants approval does … ask my Facebook “friends.” I took great care in posting a selfie of my furry face and asked what they thought. First comment was from my mom who said that I had a nice face and wondered why I was trying to hide my dimples. The next post said I looked older and fatter. Then there’s the woman who exitedly chirped that I appeared demented and she could totally picture me holding a knife and coming at her. She then went on to incite others to “look closely cause it’s in the eyes.” Wow, just a couple of weeks ago I was just me, but now I’ve morphed into a dimpleless fatso serial killer. Dang, now I gotta save up for some razor blades.
Forbes & Marshall are the hosts of Ocean 98.5’s popular morning show. Join them weekday mornings from 5:30 to 10:30 a.m.
