by Jamila Douhaibi | photo by Janis Jean Photography –
Having a baby is a big decision, but for Steven and James Haley-Browning, the decision to expand their family was the easiest part of the process. When the couple got together 17 years ago, they both knew that they wanted children. But like most people, they wanted to have a house and be settled into their careers. However, when the timing seemed right, cancer and Covid joined in for the wild ride of navigating the surrogacy process.
Steve says that it was a “two-year rollercoaster.” The hopeful couple decided on a Canadian surrogacy agency and uploaded a meaningful video that ended up connecting them to their future surrogate. The video is a beautiful slideshow of wedding photos, trips to different countries and many visits with family and friends. It explains that the two have found their forever person and want to become fathers – dads. Their commitment is a “promise to be there for all of life’s firsts.”
For the hundreds of women that volunteer to be surrogates in Canada, there are thousands of people interested in using this service. Unlike in the United States, you can’t pay for a surrogate in Canada. However, it still costs a lot of money, as lawyers and agencies ensure that there are no out-of-pocket expenses for the surrogate such as extra food, vitamins, maternity clothing, etc. Most surrogates carry embryos with no genetic connection to them: the egg and sperm comes from either a donor bank or from the couple. It can end up being a six-figure journey, say Steve and James, but the end result is worth it.
As soon as they found the right person, James’ appendix ruptured. This was a blessing in disguise, because it enabled the doctors to discover that James had appendiceal cancer, normally undetectable. This early discovery meant that it hadn’t yet spread to his other organs. James says that he hasn’t fully processed this nightmarish time, because a dream was also coming true. He says that the entire time they were navigating the surrogacy he was “either in surgery or chemotherapy,” but that the one was an amazing and positive distraction for the struggles of the other.
The couple had connected with a woman in B.C. and started the process. James says that one of the biggest challenges is “trusting someone you’ve never met before.” On both sides, there is a hope that it’s “someone who is caring and safe and doing it for the right reasons,” says Steve. Because they were lucky enough to find someone who lived in the same province, they were able to meet the surrogate. Once everything was discussed and signed and decided upon, Steve and James were delightfully surprised that the first embryo transfer was successful. Then there were daily video calls, the highlight of which was the first ultrasound to hear the baby’s heartbeat, and calling their parents to say that they were going to have a granddaughter. Even their neighbourhood in Sidney, where the couple has lived for over a dozen years, “wanted to have a parade when we came back,” says James.
Finally, in October of 2022, Taylor Marie Haley-Browning was born in a hospital in Kelowna. Because of the pandemic, this meant that only one of Taylor’s dads would be allowed to witness her birth. But the Kelowna hospital “went above and beyond,” says Steve. James says a nurse came running out and threw scrubs at him so that he could go in too – they “broke their own rules to let us be part of it.”
Once they brought their baby home, the joys and struggles of parenting a newborn began. Taylor was premature, so was immune-compromised. The doctor said “hide her for two months.” James says that because of the pandemic “formula shelves are basically empty,” and he remembers spending weekends driving around Greater Victoria looking for formula and worrying about whether they’d have enough food to feed their daughter. The couple also recalls the first few months doing the “zombie walk” because Taylor needed to be fed and then held almost constantly. But, James says: “the moment when you’re holding your baby and she’s sleeping on your chest; I would do it all again for that.”
Now they’re looking forward to Taylor’s six-month shots and introducing her to more family and friends. They say to “be patient; start early,” as the surrogacy journey can take years, and that sometimes it’s better to prepare for the worst, and definitely to manage expectations. Even without paying for a surrogate the expenses are high, and then there’s the process of trusting the agencies and sometimes feeling powerless with a surrogate living in a different city. In Steve and James’ experience, their surrogate became their friend – they send photos and updates and she was recently on the Island and came over for dinner. The couple says that surrogacy is one of the most selfless acts, and they are so grateful for their surrogate.
Even with the struggles and sleepless hours, Taylor lights up their house. James is now in full remission and back to work, and Steve is enjoying a year off to be with their daughter. The proud dads say that Taylor’s “gummy smile can just melt your heart.” They cherished hearing her first heartbeat, seeing her first smile, and they’re looking forward to all of the little moments and life’s firsts.
