– by Cathy Sakiyama –
Change is difficult. Even when the new job or new home is our choice it takes some adjustment. The challenge as we age is having so many changes that are not of our choosing: health, independence, residence. At each juncture, in every conversation, we need to be mindful of the emotional undercurrent for our parents; it is not just about digesting information. One of the pitfalls in this season is our dispensing facts as if having an answer to their question will solve the problem. Our parents need us to tread gently and allow the time needed for processing the next step.
We honour our parents by honouring the difficulty of each change.
What will help us tread more gently, versus urgently, is being prepared ourselves with the information needed. Arranging for an assessment* is the first key piece. Our parents are given a case manager, an advocate, and we are reassured: we are not in this alone.
Caring for parents, unfortunately, can resemble the imbalance of early childrearing years as we can get so caught up with the tasks and details that we miss the rich moments of connection. We stop being together because there is so much doing required. Young moms know this; old daughters and sons know this too.
What if part of our role is to allow others to be the do-ers so that we may be present with and care with not just take care of or care for? Excellent home care options (both private and subsidized**) release our time to be more connective with our parents. Someone else can do footcare but nobody else recognizes the family members in the photo album or recalls the story about that particular gathering. Those are the rich moments in which we realize that we are going to miss them. We don’t recognize this when we just want relief from all of the jobs.
The next crucial piece is the work of searching out future residence options. The ‘Seniors’ Services Directory’ is an invaluable resource for what can be a daunting task. Visit some residences listed. They are no longer ‘THOSE places’ that our parents may be picturing. Reality can be reassuring. Get the conversation started. Allow time for them to say ‘this is hard’ with no response from us other than our kind presence. Allow for silence. It is difficult and may feel heavy but it is no less heavy not talking about the future; it is the undone important work that weighs on us.
In the end it should not be surprising that the origin of the word ‘care’ is related to ‘grief’ as there is no such thing as aging without losses. Thankfully we live in a time and place in which so much attention is being paid to quality of life in the midst of challenges. The best care we can give is knowing what those quality options are and caring WITH our aging parents.
*http://www.viha.ca/hcc/services/
**Beacon Community Services http://www.beaconcs.ca/pages/homesupport.html
