by Lara Gladych –
Whether we’d like to admit it or not, we’ve probably all found ourselves silently judging the appearance of a young person at some point in our lives. We may have questioned their choice of clothing, finding their outfit to be too revealing, too unkept or too mismatched. Perhaps we didn’t mean to be harsh, but impressions were made nonetheless.
If we all take a moment to walk down memory lane and think of ourselves as kids, and teens in particular, we may remember the many factors that contributed to our choice of clothing on a daily basis.
First, we probably considered what was trendy, what everyone else was wearing at the time, and what that staple piece of coveted clothing was that would make us part of the “in” group. Did we ever stop to ask ourselves: “Is this outfit flattering? Do I look presentable? Is my own style shining through when I wear this, or am I conforming?” We likely had no idea what any of these questions even meant.
Even less likely is that, as budding teens and young adolescents, we were able to consider whether or not certain looks actually worked on our new long limbs, broadening shoulders, hips and curves. Were these looks “appropriate?” Who knew or cared!
Like every parent, I’ve disagreed with my own kids at various times about clothing and dress, mostly over simple things such as what matches and what is and isn’t dressy enough for certain occasions. The most challenging time I’ve had in terms of helping my older two kids find clothing they like and feel happy in has been during the middle school years. Kids’ bodies are changing so much and with such different timing at this point in their lives. It’s hard for them, and us, to know whether they should be shopping in a kids’ store or moving on to a place that’s more adult. The worst case is when they’re stuck in between, and nothing seems to fit!
Little kids are the best at expressing themselves just the way they want to be. Appropriateness is not in their vocabulary, and they will dig in their heels to wear whatever crazy combination of clothing they see fit. I still remember one of my sons being determined to head down to a skating lesson in his long underwear, his sister’s lavender ski socks and his favourite penny loafers. He thought he looked great! A little bit fancy (which was important to him), but “appropriately” dressed to stay warm for skating.
As parents, we all know the familiar battle. We want to share our own values around clothing, style and grooming, and teaching our kids how to present themselves to the world. At the same time, we hope to nurture their individuality and self-confidence, and send them off feeling comfortable and pleased with how they look.
It’s excruciating to go shopping with your child and see them hold up a pair of expensive runners or a pricey sweatshirt, to recognize the look of hope and pleading in their face, and then have to consider things like value, budget, quality, vanity, materialism, etc. It’s so hard to balance it all!
I found an article in Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com) called “Why Your Teen Insists On Dressing Exactly Like Her Friends,” by Stephanie Newman, Ph.D. It sheds a lot of light on the behaviour of dressing to fit in: “ … When adolescents copy their friends’ outfits, it’s not just about clothes. By dressing the same way, speaking the same way and adopting their friends’ mannerisms, they are actually expressing something complicated about their own developing self esteem.”
Newman discusses the important concepts of “mirroring” and “twinning” in a fascinating article that will leave you feeling certain, if you weren’t already, that children and teens are complex creatures, who really just need to find their own voices and make a few mistakes along the way.
